


all you never say is that you love me

by cosimamanning



Series: punky monkey vol 1-365 [1]
Category: Orphan Black (TV)
Genre: F/F, Light Dusting of Angst, Mutual Pining, Unrequited Love, or so she thinks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-27
Updated: 2017-06-27
Packaged: 2018-11-19 19:19:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,956
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11319942
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cosimamanning/pseuds/cosimamanning
Summary: Sarah's been in love with Cosima for years, so when Cosima suddenly starts showing interest in the french foreign exchange student, things get messy.





	all you never say is that you love me

Ever since Siobhan Sadler had dragged her foster children to America, kicking and screaming―mostly on Sarah’s part―their lives have settled into a routine, a pattern. At home, it was  _ SarahandHelena  _ and  _ SarahandFelix _ and  _ SarahandHelenaandFelix _ , never far apart from one another. 

However, at school, beyond the walls of their home, Sarah almost always became  _ SarahandCosima _ . 

They live next door to one another, one of those typical American cliches, windows of their rooms facing one another, a tree between them allowing easy access to climb between. Siobhan often wakes to find a fourth child at her dining table for breakfast, and Cosima just smiles cheerfully and accepts the plate of eggs offered to her. 

It’s one of the nights where Cosima opens her window and braves the tree, deftly climbing over to Sarah’s window, which is always open to her. 

“What’s up, monkey,” Sarah greets, patting the empty space next to her on her bed, which Cosima readily flops into, snuggling into Sarah’s side as the other girl continues to scroll through her tumblr feed. The nickname had started off as a joke―as had most of the things between Sarah and Cosima―as Sarah taught Cosima to climb trees. Sarah’s the expert; Sarah’s always the expert at these sorts of things, and Cosima had been dreadful.

She’s much better now, though, proven by the fact that she’s there, in Sarah’s bed, cuddled into Sarah’s side, safe and sound. 

“I have a crush,” Cosima announces, and Sarah pauses, immediately, because this is news. 

Cosima hasn’t had a crush for as long as Sarah’s known her, which has been since Sarah’s lived in America, which is to say, a very long time―since Sarah and Helena were eleven and Felix was seven, so six years. Sarah doesn’t know how to  _ deal  _ with Cosima with a crush, especially considering that Sarah―

She shakes off the thought, lowering her phone.

“A crush,” she repeats, slowly, american word rolling tentatively off of her tongue, “you fancy someone?”

Cosima nods excitedly, and sighs, one of those gross, far-off sort of lovesick sounds that Sarah remembers hearing only in teenage dramas in cinemas, expression starry behind her thick rimmed glasses. 

“Mhmm,” she hums in agreeance. There’s a long pause as Sarah processes this information, because it’s a lot to process, and there’s no point in denying that she’s panicking at this point. Because, whether she cares to admit it or not, there is the rather large issue of how she feels about Cosima and―

“Aren’t you going to ask me  _ who?” _ Cosima presses, and Sarah snaps to attention. This isn’t the proper time to panic. She can panic later, when Cosima isn’t pressing up against her in her bed, confessing her feelings for some unknown entity who doubtlessly doesn’t deserve her. Right now, Cosima needs Sarah to be her supportive best friend, eagerly asking questions. 

“Sorry,” Sarah recovers quickly, “I was just wrapping my head around the idea that you were capable of experiencing human emotion towards anything other than science.” Cosima makes an offended little noise that makes Sarah’s stomach do somersaults and hits her with a pillow, and finally Sarah relents. “Whozit that’s caught your eye, then?”

Cosima pauses for dramatic effect before finally announcing:

“Delphine Cormier.” 

There are many thoughts that rush through Sarah’s head in an instant:

 

  * __Delphine Cormier is a senior at their high school, and they’re juniors, and Cosima knows her because she’s in an AP Physics class, and she’s a French exchange student.__


  * _Delphine Cormier is in no way good enough for Cosima._


  * _Sarah’s totally prettier than Delphine Cormier._



 

“Wow,” Sarah says, after she’s had a moment, “that’s…” she searches for something to say, anything, really, to hide the fact that she’s a bit of a mess at the current moment, but Cosima saves her in the most horrific way possible by deciding that then is the perfect moment to list off to Sarah all of the reasons why Delphine Cormier is the perfect human being. 

“She’s just so pretty,” Cosima gushes, “her hair, the way it falls in its curly little waves. Just like, fuck me up, y’know?”  _ I have curly hair _ , Sarah thinks to herself, rather petulantly, tugging experimentally on a strand of it as Cosima speaks. 

“And her accent,” Cosima continues, “god, it’s just so entrancing when she speaks, I could listen to her explain sacred geometry for hours. And she curses in french sometimes in class when she can’t figure something out and it’s  _ adorable _ , Sarah, absolutely adorable.”

_ I have an accent!  _ Sarah wants to scream. And, sure, she may not be able to curse in another language, but Cosima’s told her time and time again that when Sarah gets really angry she speaks so quickly that nobody can understand a word she’s saying, so it might as well be a second language. 

“And she’s so  _ smart _ .”

Alright, so Cormier might have her in the brains department. But Sarah’s clever in her own ways, and resourceful beyond what the french exchange student could even imagine. Her GPA might be higher than Sarah’s by a solid point or two, but out on the streets? She wouldn’t last a day. Sarah has ways of surviving, of making the best of her situation. 

She’ll find a way to survive this, too. 

“That’s really great, Cos,” Sarah finally manages to choke out once Cosima has quelled in her ramblings of  _ Delphine this  _ and  _ Delphine that _ , and Cosima is too distracted by her thoughts to notice that it doesn’t sound quite genuine, “I’m happy for you.”

“Yeah?” Cosima beams at her, and despite the fact that Sarah’s heart feels like it’s being slow roasted over a fire, she can’t help but smile back, because this is  _ Cosima _ , her best friend, the girl she’s been in love with since before she even knew what love was. “Thanks, Sarah.”

“Anytime, monkey,” Sarah promises, ignoring the way her stomach turns and her heart aches, “any time.”

Felix thinks she’s a sadist. In his mind, it’s the only way to explain her actions, why she hasn’t just, in his words, ‘ _ womaned the fuck up and told her you’re arse over tits for her _ .’ 

“It’s different, Fee,” Sarah tries to explain, and he shoots Helena a long-suffering look as though to say,  _ she’s being a bloody idiot, look at what we have to deal with _ , “she’s my  _ best friend. _ ”

“Yeah,” he agrees, as though it’s obvious, “so even if you admit your undying love for her and she doesn’t feel the same way, you’ll still be able to be best friends, she’ll still be the same Cosima and you’ll still be the same Sarah, and you’ll be able to stop angsting and get over it and move on.” Helena nods her approval from where she’s sitting, munching happily on her french toast, and Sarah glares at her, mouthing  _ traitor _ . 

“What?” Helena shrugs. “You are being kinda dumb.”

“Thank you,” Felix smirks triumphantly. 

Sarah doesn’t listen to either of them, and instead decides to keep repressing her emotions and suffering in silence as Cosima moons over  _ Delphine _ ―of all people, why oh  _ why  _ did it have to be  _ Delphine _ ―ignoring Felix’s little japes. 

_ You know that saying you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink? Well, apparently you can lead a Sarah Manning to common sense but you can’t make her listen to it. _

They’ve always been  _ SarahandCosima _ , since they were eleven and Siobhan dragged her three children to America. Sarah remembers how the first thing she’d done was climb her tree and threaten to never come down and her curious neighbor had immediately followed and fallen and broken her arm, and the two of them had been best friends ever since. 

But now, Cosima’s making active efforts to spend more time around Delphine, be with Delphine, try and get Delphine to pay attention to her in the way that Sarah always pays attention to her, and they’re becoming less of  _ SarahandCosima  _ and more Sarah and Cosima. 

Sarah hates it. 

Slowly, their friends start to notice. 

One lunch period, Cosima is oddly absent, and Sarah stabs moodily at the food on her plate, not actually eating it, while Helena happily digs in next to her. Across from her, Beth frowns, staring at the empty spot to Sarah’s left that’s usually occupied by their scientifically inclined friend. 

“Where’s Cosima?” she asks, and Sarah stabs at her food more violently at the question, scowling. 

“Probably with Delphine,” Helena answers for her, simply, “Sarah’s experiencing all seven stages of grief, right now she’s at anger, I think.” Sarah stabs at her plate again and glares, and Helena smiles innocently at her. “Are you going to eat that?”

“Cormier?” Alison asks, perking up. “Oh, I’ve worked with her in student council, she seems lovely…” she trails off at Sarah’s biting glare. “...or not?” 

“It’s fine,” Sarah brushes off when there are multiple sets of eyes staring at her expectantly, and when they stare harder her tone goes rougher, more insistent, “I’m  _ fine _ .” She’s not fine. If there’s a word that means the opposite of fine, that’s what Sarah is. 

Because there’s still some stupid part of her that has hope that maybe Cosima feels something for her beyond friendship. A stupid,  _ stupid _ fluttering little hope that refuses to be stomped out. And yet, Sarah’s stubbornly set in her mindset to not say anything, because she can’t chance ruining her friendship with Cosima, can’t chance  _ losing  _ her. 

Because Cosima is the best thing that’s ever happened to her. 

“I’m fine,” she says again, and she doesn’t know if she’s trying to convince her friends or herself, as she stands up to move from the table.  _ I’m fine _ . 

Cosima starts spending more time with Delphine, and, consciously or unconsciously, Sarah starts avoiding her. 

Her responses to texts grow less enthusiastic, she skips lunch periods all-together, avoids places where she knows Cosima usually frequents, because the thought of seeing Cosima in places that used to be  _ theirs _ with Delphine makes her physically ill, and then, finally, when she spies a flash of blonde hair in the window across from hers, Sarah slams her window shut, locks it for the first time in six years, and closes the drapes. 

And cries. 

A lot. 

Her pity party is interrupted by a knocking at her door, and then Cosima’s there, sitting criss-cross on her bed, eyes wide with concern. 

“Hey,” her voice is unusually soft and tentative, “your window was locked.”

Sarah says nothing.

“I had to ring the doorbell, I don’t think I’ve done that in like half a decade, Felix looked shocked,” Cosima laughs, somewhat awkwardly, and then there’s silence. 

“Did I do something wrong?” she asks, finally. “You’ve been distant, lately.”

“I didn’t think you’d notice,” Sarah shrugs, and it’s definitely passive-aggressive and the wrong thing to say but she’s emotionally vulnerable and beyond the point of caring. Cosima cocks her head and her eyebrows furrow, and she looks genuinely perplexed and Sarah wants to cry again. 

“What do you mean? You’re my best friend. Of course I noticed.”

Sarah struggles with herself internally for a moment, before finally letting her inner bitch take over for a moment. 

“Well considering you were spending all of your time with Del _ phine _ ―” Cosima’s expression clears and her eyes narrow.

“This is about Delphine?” she asks, affronted. “Sarah, come  _ on _ , you’re supposed to be happy for me, not be a jealous  _ jackass  _ about it because I’m not spending all of my time with you―” And suddenly Sarah’s had enough of not saying it, the words are consuming her, and she explodes. 

“I’m not jealous because of that!” she yells, popping up from her bed, arms in the air, and she knows her eye makeup is smudged from crying and that her hair is a mess and she likely looks like a madwoman. “But you’re right, I am jealous! I’m jealous, because you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me and you’re  _ slipping away  _ to someone who doesn’t even deserve you, and I’m jealous because I’m in love with you!”

The declaration shuts Cosima up faster than anything ever has, and Sarah laughs, giddy. 

“That’s right!” Sarah continues, bordering on hysterical. “I’ve been in love with you for years! Since we were eleven and you were stupid enough to try and climb after me in our tree and fell and broke your stupid arm and on the drive to the hospital you told me I looked like an angel at the top, and it hurts to know you don’t feel the same way.” Her chest heaves, and it’s only then that Sarah realizes that her voice has dissolved into hiccuped sobs. 

“So yeah,” she finishes, “guess that makes me a shitty best friend, dunnit?” She grabs her phone from her bedside table and bolts, leaving Cosima sitting there, confused and stunned.

She runs to Beth, because she doesn’t know where else to run. S hands her a coat on the way out and Felix hands her the sneaker she’s missing and Helena hands her a sandwich. She climbs in through Beth’s window and scares her shitless but Beth lets her in anyways because Beth’s that sort of person, and Beth holds her as she cries. 

“What happened?”

“I fucked up,” is all Sarah says, in the moment, and Beth doesn’t demand any further elaboration, just rubs comforting patterns on her back and comes back with a strong cup of coffee. 

She explains, later, sitting on Beth’s bed, and Beth’s eyes are sympathetic as she listens. 

“It’ll all work out,” Beth promises, and when Sarah asks her how she knows, the only explanation she offers is: “she’s your best friend.” Beth gently pushes Sarah into her shower and gives her a fresh set of pajamas and lets her watch cartoons well into the night, nobody but Beth’s housekeeper to keep them company, her father away on  _ business _ , which Sarah knew meant  _ classified _ . 

Sarah doesn’t go to school the next day, just curls up in Beth’s bed and listens to sad songs and wallows in a pool of self-pity and despair and cries a bit more, but by the end of the day she feels a lot better, and Beth comes back with bagels from the bakery down the street and brownies from Alison and it’s nice to know that her friends are looking out for her. 

She stays there for a few more days, trying desperately to avoid thinking of Cosima, but it’s hard when Cosima permeates every aspect of her life, every fibre of her being. Every song is Cosima, every food is Cosima, every color is a memory of  _ Cosima Cosima Cosima _ . 

On Saturday morning, Sarah comes down the stairs to get a bowl of cereal to see Cosima crying in Beth’s living room, and quickly flattens herself to the stairs, trying not to be seen. 

“She’s just  _ gone _ , Beth,” Cosima says, and Sarah knows that she’s talking about her, “not a sign of her, just up and gone, and she’s not responding to any of my messages, and god this is all my fault.”

“I’m sure she’ll turn up,” Beth tells her, and Sarah smiles because bless Beth and her reliability, “she always does, doesn’t she? And she’s your best friend.”

“I think I managed to fuck that up too,” Cosima groans, burying her face in her hands, “god, I was trying so hard to get over her with Delphine and I didn’t even consider the possibility that she felt the same way.”

Wait,  _ what _ .

Sarah replays the sentence in her head a thousand times within the span of a few seconds, trying to decode it for some sort of deeper meaning, but comes up short, because no matter how she spins it she can only come up with one meaning:

Cosima was using Delphine as a means to get over feelings for  _ her _ , Sarah Manning. 

God, they were both colossal idiots, weren’t they?

Slack-jawed, Sarah moves to leave, to escape and process, but in her hurry she slips and tumbles gracelessly down the stairs, cursing all the way, immediately drawing the attention of the two people in the living room, who are by her in an instant. 

“ _ Sarah!” _

“See?” Beth drawls. “I told you she’d turn up.” She casts her eyes skyward as though to say,  _ god, why do you test me in these ways _ , and Cosima helps Sarah up, shaking. 

But before Sarah can open her mouth to say anything, Cosima is kissing her, and Sarah’s been imagining this for six years but it’s somehow still beyond anything that she could’ve ever dreamed up. Cosima kisses her and it’s like she’s complete, like she’s home, and a warmth fills her from her head to her toes and she feels giddy, lighter than air, finally understands all those cliche romance novels that she’s scoffed at throughout the years, because kissing Cosima is like experiencing sunshine for the first time, and Sarah’s content to burn. 

“I’m in love with you too,” Cosima tells her when they separate, pressing her forehead against Sarah’s, “I have been since you moved into the house next to me and climbed our tree and I thought you were an angel.”

“Cos,” Sarah breathes, but words don’t seem to fit the situation and then they’re kissing again, and it’s perfectly imperfect, just like the two of them. 

“Well,” Beth clears her throat, and the two of them are made acutely aware of their audience and separate somewhat sheepishly, “now that that’s settled and the two of you are through being idiots, Sarah, I love you, but please go home.”

Sarah goes home and unlocks her window. 

This time, it stays open. 

**Author's Note:**

> Hi yes cophine shippers pls don't attack me I am but a small bean. Also my favorite line by far is definitely: 
> 
> You know that saying you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink? Well, apparently you can lead a Sarah Manning to common sense but you can’t make her listen to it.
> 
> Comments and kudos greatly appreciated! Thanks so much for reading! Check me out on my other ao3, sam_kom_trashkru, or on tumblr, danaryas. Much love <3


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